Coming out of the closet

Yes am an artist, at least I like to claim so… Least of all… am someone, who likes to sketch the canvas of life with the best of the colors available. May be nothing will be created through me that will be considered a work of art. But I still  enjoy living this life.  That’s what I want to dedicate my life to:  that one moment where I can connect this soul to His.

To step out of the closed mindsets of people and to live freely.  ‘Just Be’ as my teacher always says.  Just be who you are. There is nothing more to life. The biggest gift in life is that you accept yourself and be at peace with your own existence. The feeling itself is so exhilarating. Most of the time it’s ‘you’ who is restricting your own self. Simply get out of the way.

Everyday, I face a dozen of disapproving eyes. Everyday I am subjected to the same persecution. I really feel am god’s special child

If ever someone asks my landlord, what does this girl do for a living, he doesn’t blink an eye to say that ohh! He seems to be at loss for words to describe what I do for a living. At that time, ‘God’ holds my hand and says, “it’s okay, just let it go.” Now I don’t know if this God is real or an imaginary character of my head because I can’t afford waking up one day and not see him there so it’s best to keep him imaginary at least he’ll stay there forever this way.

It’s not strange that following one’s calling is not considered a respectable vocation at all these days unless the moolahs are raining your way.

Or you’ll be diagnosed with suffering from acute loneliness and being a terrible sucker for ‘attention’. It’s quite amusing when such statements come from people you expect best to be understood. But here’s when the most important lesson comes. Why do we keep expecting to be understood by others? We keep making this same mistake again and again. Isn’t it enough that we understand our own selves?  Isn’t it enough for us to know the path we have to walk? Even when we are sure of the way, we keep reconfirming it from those who themselves have no clue where they are heading.

Sometimes, extra caring people call me; lovingly offer me a cup of tea and a biscuit or two. Then they will ask do you want to listen to a story? I have one for you. I begin to listen it attentively fully convinced that it’s going to inspire me.

The last one I heard went something like this:  Once there was this small insect that entered a humongous tunnel, soon enough the insect went very deep in the tunnel. It was completely dark inside but this tiny insect kept going forwards in the hope that it will reach the other side sooner or later. Courageously, it continued its journey with all its might, so what if you can’t see the path, but you know you are moving ahead and you’ll reach there one day, such was the determination of fire, it was burning with. (By this time, I was fully one with the story and felt that insect & I were one and the same.)  So this insect, keeps travelling and after sometimes sees a very tiny speck of light far away (I swear, along with the insect I also had a glimpse of it) so with a new zeal, it rushes towards the light only to find that the light was just a deception. Not able to bear it, the insect just dies a sorry death. I was speechless; I simply, didn’t know what to say.

The storyteller mercilessly professed,  “Not all are meant to cross the tunnel.” So come out before it’s too late, he added with a smirk. I smiled at him and took his leave, my entire being was still shaken and I still couldn’t grasp the reason of why I deserved to be told such a story?  I am just a girl trying to live her dreams.

But these things happen… Some days you remain unaffected, unharmed and some days you cry an ocean.  Still just keep walking.  All dark tunnels merge into light. Because it’s not possible that there can’t be light at the end of the tunnel, simply not possible! So, change your story uncle, I’ll say.

People often say you want to make films because you want to get ‘famous’ or you are seeking attention and acknowledgment.I simply smile. Yes that’s it. I smile.

Unless you are good at something, you are of no value, be good in making money, be good in pretending to be smart, be good in fooling people and making them believe your follies, be good in meditation, be good in smiling, be good in walking, be good in cooking. Your existence has now value till you are good at something.

So, one day I sat with myself trying to figure out what am I doing here? Failed.

Every morning when my mother calls, untiringly she asks me the same question: “what are you doing?” I unabashedly reply, “Nothing”. Now how do I explain her that am trying to get ‘that something’ out on the paper, ‘that something’ that has been haunting me to death, am trying to give it a life so I can die in peace.

Surprisingly she’ll never ask me this question, if I would have been a typewriter in some dingy office, because then this question doesn’t apply. Because then suddenly your life seems so secure and perfect! But when you try to do something that you really love, everyone asks what are you doing with your life? It seems a scary business to all.

I have become addicted to live a life of uncertainty, to not know what lies ahead, unless you really go ahead and see it for yourself. Monotony petrifies me more than treading the unfamiliar paths.

I didn’t grow up with the mindset of submitting to the unpredictability, so every time I make a decision which people around me don’t approve of, its feels like a self-inflicting wound.  There is a constant battle going on inside all the time… And really its not the people outside you have to convince… Convincing yourself is more than enough and that is the most challenging part; fighting those demons inside the heads.

Peace.

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2 thoughts on “Coming out of the closet

  1. That ant story is a soul-crusher, especially because it sounds as if it was being told with malevolent intent. Keep your heart strong. One of my favourite quotes from Anandamurti: “You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars, guides you too.”

    On a side note, I do think that there are cases where dark tunnels do not merge into light. At least not in one lifetime. Light and dark are defined by our engagement (or lack of it) in each moment, and it sounds like you are striving towards Awareness regardless of the circumstances in your life. That’s not a light at the end of the tunnel – that is simply the light, right now 🙂
    We are all on the same path, whether we know it or not, and light is always the final destination.

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